What Do I Say?

What do I say to the body
That gave me everything?
What do I say to the body
Which I spent years trying to destroy?

“Thank you” is not enough

“Gratitude” is not enough

“I’m sorry” not enough

“Acceptance” is not enough

Not enough to make the pain go away
Not enough to make me stop hurting
Myself

What do I say to the food
That’s meant to nourish and to savor?
What do I say to the food
That I shove down my throat
Until my chest feels like bursting?

Silencing my cries
Replacing my aches

My vice, my addiction,
Makes my pain tangible
To those who deny its validity

Giving me a chance to pin point
Pain that can say
“This is real. I am real. This is real.”

Pain that cannot be dismissed
As attention seeking

I’ve traded my scars for pounds

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